stream of consciousness in feb 2026
Iām going through an interesting time.
Iāve been growing more uncomfortable with the way Iām always spoken over and interrupted at work. I started reacting to that and demanding they let me speak and finish my sentences.
Also, it annoys me that I had explained a thing over and over at work for almost 2 years now, and it gets treated like noise; then when that piece of info is needed, they prefer to ask a man that has nothing to do with it instead of me. It also feels like people both at work and in private forget my contributions.
On the other hand, Iāve become more comfortable seeing myself as a professional, an expert in some things at work, capable, a āfullā employee too. Was about time after 5 years in the role; Iām no longer new and inexperienced. I feel like I can handle so much more and I want new challenges.
I carry myself differently in career aspects now. In the past, I merely integrated myself into my role and team, listened, adapted to the culture, accepted how things are done to learn them. Now with all that experience and having grown, I suggest things, I optimize more. I request what I need and want, I try to bring my ideas and visions to life. I no longer just listen, I question and I want answers. Iām more comfortable actively pursuing things instead of just living with the cards Iāve been dealt. Iāve gotten bolder, more used to putting myself out there, being visible, persistent, taking up space and being annoying.
Aside from that, Iāve been dealing with fears around not being able to trust my own predictions and perception. Some things I was so, so sure about deep in my gut turned out wildly differently lately, and I lost trust in myself for a while. Itās those moments when life shows you very blatantly how unpredictable it is and that youāre living in completely random chaos and your feelings are not always truthful. It made me feel quite lost for a while and like looking forward to anything with excitement or having a good feeling about an outcome had a high chance of me getting hurt instead. That ruined happiness. I feel better now, but Iām not entirely over it.
Iāve also grown into adulthood, finally. It took 12 years to finally feel like the adult in the room. Feeling responsible and capable enough so when anything happens, I just act and do not attempt to turn to āthe nearest adultā for guidance. I also finally understand looking at children with love and care; I havenāt experienced that before.
Iām also currently going through the process of cutting contact with the last person in my family I still talked to all these years. Our relationship has always been rocky, but got better once I had moved out. But she has been becoming a worse person in different ways for a while now, and has said some pretty disrespectful things to me the last times we talked, and isnāt willing to take the time to meet me or reschedule. I donāt have to let myself get shamed and treated like a burden by someone whose relationship to me doesnāt feel like a mother, but like meeting an ex-coworker at the store. So thatās it - I finally did what teenage me dreamed about, but it doesnāt feel triumphant and like freedom at all. It feels like letting go after the other person already moved on. Iām not escaping anything, Iām just only now accepting the message.
Unrelated: Something Iām struggling with the past few days especially is the odd feeling of getting many other things done, while not getting even just an hour of the thing I actually need to do done - even if it would be shorter and easier than all the other stuff.
For example, I might I write a research-heavy blog post, translate and summarize cases for Noyb.eu, read some data protection law magazine, make some pixel art, exercise, take out the trash, vacuum and do the dishes all in one dayā¦ but I cannot get myself to do an hour of studying for an upcoming exam lately.
It warps my perception, because I actually do so many of the things I want to do, but because itās not the most important thing on the list (it has a deadline and is important for my degree, which decides my career), I feel like I failed and like I wasnāt productive. Internally, I beat myself up for being so āselectively lazyā. If I can do all these other things, why not that? Technically, I know why, but itās hard to accept! I wish I was a robot with the same output always, the same motivation, the same energy, easy to program to do any task.
Reply via email
Published