ava's blog

the tower

I haven’t gotten out much in my life. As a kid, sure - quiet village, both school playgrounds were about 5 minutes away, and usually I could be found there, or in the garden (shared garden in a multi family apartment house) or the garden of the kids on the opposite side of the street.

But later, not so much. The vibe at home was very much controlling. I was mostly at my PC or in bed. I also had some health issues that made finding energy to go out difficult. Still, I dreamed of when it would all change. “When I move out, I will go out more, I would meet so many people, I would begin to travel a little and push my boundaries!”

When I first moved out, I didn’t even have time for that. I had a 2 hour commute, had to study on the side, and an ex partner and my dog needed me too. So that was a bust. I didn’t even know who I was or what hobbies I would like to do once I moved out of there. But I was finally living on my own and didn’t need to answer to anyone but my dog. I made an effort to meet more people and be more adventurous, and that lasted for about 5 months. Then a bit of a winter slump, and… Covid hit. That locked me at home for about 3 years.

I felt like that really undid all the progress I’ve had. I felt uncomfortable to go out now and lacked all kinds of social skills and energy. I was so comfortably cooped up at home with everything I needed that I found it hard to justify anything else.

Nowadays I sometimes get the itch for that again though. I want to grow a bit, I want to change, I wanna put myself out of my comfort zone a bit.

I remember this guy who used to live on trains, working as a software engineer on the go and wash in public toilets and gyms… it’s not lost on me that people find homeless people doing what they can to survive icky and when someone well off does it voluntarily they find it inspiring… but anyway, I always found that interesting. Now I also played Life Is Strange 2 and without spoiling anything, you meet a lot of nomadic people working on the go or working here and there, people living in their cars and so on. I guess that brought it back for me.

Sometimes I am just so tired of being Rapunzel in the tower, and now it isn’t even my mum’s tower, it’s my own. And sure, it is also my health doing that, and Covid played its part. But sometimes, I just don’t wanna just accept how things are and give up without a fight. Do I really need this or do I just want it and got used to it? I want to know that I can survive without all these things. I want to be forced to be out more and interact. I want to learn by doing. I have missed out on so many experiences and I wanna catch up; I was an isolated only child, no vacations like that, no summer camp, no festivals and all that, no friend group, just disconnected individuals, no birthday parties.

Of course I wanna be realistic about it. Before now, I didn’t have the option to work remotely on the go, now I do. But even then, of course you are more vulnerable. Anyone can get robbed or threatened when living a more nomadic lifestyle, just like train dude, but I would also have to factor in sexual harassment or worse. And since this year, I am immunocompromised and I rely on medication that needs to be cooled in the fridge. Kind of puts a damper on traveling freely and being somewhere for long in public places, and people hate people wearing masks now and sure as hell don’t approach them or understand them well.

I’m also still waiting to even be in remission enough to consistently be able to walk and get out of bed. And I know how stubborn my isolation can be - a few times I have booked a course (like for drawing or making something else in a group) to talk more to strangers; and while everyone was chatting, I was so focused on my craft I didn’t interact. I’m too comfortable on my own and need to be pushed out to talk to people.

I kind of envisioned my 20s to be me on trains, visiting cities on my own, being in some hotels, hanging out in cafés and bars and clubs and libraries. But I am still in the same tower now, and it’s even harder to leave now with my medication and another homebody there making it so comfortable, and that I have to answer to and am expected to do everything together by society. So is the dream dead? I don’t know. Sometimes it feels like I was meant to be extroverted and out there, but through bad experiences, lack of some other experiences and bad luck, my efforts get thwarted and the gap between me and others keeps widening and I’m living a very introverted life I’m not sure I even chose or wanted.

Published 22 Oct, 2024, edited 7 months, 2 weeks ago

#2024 #misc