showing up
So much of it all is just: Showing up.
Showing up, despite feeling underprepared, underqualified, embarrassed.
Despite feeling like everyone hates you or is going to hate you.
Despite feeling like you're going to look stupid or annoying.
Asking for things, despite being afraid you might not deserve them. Despite the potential to be told no. Or worse, to be made fun of for even asking.
I would have nothing if I hadn't put myself out there. If I hadn't applied for jobs I thought I wasn't good enough for, or asked people at work for mentorship and their time, or some feedback or recommendation. If I hadn't called, asked for clarifications, showed interest, put in the work. If I hadn't joined online servers and interacted as if I was always there. If I hadn't joined online events and dared to host some myself even if no one would show up. If I hadn't blogged publicly on some platform.
I've hung out in voice chats for hours without anyone else joining. I've streamed games with zero viewers in voice chat just in case. I shared myself, my hobbies, my goals, my bad times, my opinions, my illnesses with strangers despite the risk that it would put them off, be used against me, with the risk that they'd say something ignorant and hurtful. I posted stuff online despite that it could come back to bite me in the ass in unforeseen ways or being targeted by assholes. I created and shared despite it being ugly, unfinished, imperfect, or done weirdly. I've stood by design decisions I find cute and cool. I published despite knowing something could be uninteresting or wrong and I could be corrected in ways that aren't respectful. I reached out to people despite the risk that they could be a complete asshole in return (and some were).
But I only have the person I'm going to marry next month and some friends because I just keep showing up and putting myself out there despite the horrors. That's also why I have my current job, and sweet strangers in my mailbox, the certification I'm pursuing and another meeting with my somewhat-mentor at work on Friday. I ask for people's time, attention, appreciation, kindness, support and patience anyway despite it being humiliating and anxiety-inducing.
I try to ignore the shitty thoughts as best as I can, the ones that tell me they're going to laugh at me, they're going to think I'm weird, they secretly hate me and find me annoying but are too polite to say it, or they feel obligated to lie to me or endure me. That I ask for too much, that I'll seem full of myself... it's just self-sabotage. It doesn't keep me safe at all.
All the stuff you are afraid of can happen anyway even when you not try, so the best option is to try. You cannot let people and situations control your life that you've made up in your head, and you cannot let some 2-second remark the other person didn't think through stop you from living your life. They often don't know that something they blurted out was hurtful, so why let something stop you that the other person didn't even put proper effort into and doesn't remember saying. If you're trying to stop me, you better come with 2 pages of arguments and sources so I know you mean it.
If you messed up, so what. You'll get better at it. Life offers many moments of clean slates, so you'll start again somewhere else without that history. Most annoyances are temporary anyway and people will forget that they were mad at you or why. There's almost no one out there that will keep a grudge over normal mistakes or speaking too loud or too quietly or asking stupid questions, and if they are, they live a miserable and lonely existence because who is left to love then? Your mistakes aren't playing in a loop in someone else's head, just yours, and you can stop now. There won't be a mural about your mistake 100 years later. Whatever it takes to shake that shame, do it. Imagine yourself as your favorite character, treat it like a quest, ask yourself what your cool friend would do, imagine what your grandpa might say.
Man at least you tried, right? At least you tried. Stop wondering if you deserve it, just be there and ask.
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Published 22 Apr, 2025