second job
Recently, Iāve been feeling behind in a lot of things, and this year has progressed so fast while also feeling dreadfully long inbetween when I was waiting for appointments or for medicines to work. I am especially frustrated on the days when I am just lying in bed unable to go outside, go to the gym, work on my uni degree or tackle some chores. I look on as things pile up. The plans and to-doās for āonce I feel betterā pile up. Then it hits me: It might feel lazy and unproductive as hell to just be in bed, but Iām just clocked in on my second job.
Itās genuinely like being at work and either dreadfully thinking about the dishes youāll still need to do afterwards, or longingly thinking of what game you could play if you were off the clock right now. It takes up so much of my time, energy, and mind.
I do this second job while clocked in at my main job, too. I still work well despite my second job demanding almost all my brain power because stuff hurts, I worry, and there is brain fog and memory issues. Recently, I clocked out in the middle of my main job to dedicate more time to this second job because itās infusion time; then I went back to my actual work 3 hours later, making the best of it all as if my body isnāt currently processing foreign antibodies from mice myeloma cells for the first time.
Itās hard not to think of this second job as just stealing from me. But itās not just the illness itself, itās also about coping and self care, to protect myself and keep myself as healthy as possible. Itās about rest days so I can give 100% on other days, itās about tracking symptoms to bring up the next appointment, itās being considerate and smart in what I eat and when, itās about making and attending appointments and picking stuff up from the pharmacy.
I sometimes get mad at my lack of progress in my university goals, work goals, fitness and hobby goals. But then I try to think about if I would be surprised if someone working 80+ hours a week didnāt manage them, and of course I wouldnāt be.
So if I feel like I am wasting another day, Iāll just think āIām on my second jobā. I canāt just leave my main job if I wanna keep earning money, and I canāt leave my second job if I wanna get healthier, and it looks like Iām hired for life, anyway.
Published , edited 1Ā year, 2Ā months ago