restful weekend
My weekend was great. For the first time in who knows how long, there was nothing nagging at me, no guilt, no pressure to optimize my time to make the most of it. I could just exist and rest, like it was my job.
While just staring at nothing or lying down focusing on my breathing, I didn’t feel lazy or too fatigued to do anything; it felt productive, positive, like this is what I’m meant to do. Usually it’s easy to know I’m supposed to rest on weekends, but harder to allow myself to do so and feel good about doing it. Resting or doing nothing often instead feels like a defeat and I can’t enjoy it as much because I think about things I could or should be doing instead.
But nothing like that could touch me this time. I felt like I had an infinite amount of time, so I didn’t feel nervous about how I spend it. There was no invisible timer. It felt like childhood.
Related to time management, I sometimes have trouble with starting or switching tasks. It suddenly seems overwhelming and exhausting to start, no matter how small the activity is. I used to force myself through it or waste time with something else until it felt possible enough to start the things I had in mind. It usually felt frustrating and draining. I’ve changed my approach; if things feel overwhelming and hard to start now and I feel an inner resistance to all options, I go somewhere comfortable and bore myself on purpose.
I’ll just sit there, do nothing, decompress. I ground myself, I look around the room, and wait it out. No media. I have time. My other approach could sometimes result in 1-2 hours of delay until getting started on something, if at all; and usually I would get frustrated and mad about it. But like this, I’m usually ready to get started within 10-20 minutes and I don’t feel moody at all. I think I just need a genuine break to refresh internally, and doing smaller tasks or time wasters inbetween bigger activities doesn’t give me that. Instead of viewing myself as too easily overwhelmed and powering through, I should just take it as a sign that I need a bit of genuine idle time with nothing to distract me.
Admittedly, it also happens a little out of spite. If I was just working and now I want to get started on either laundry, playing a game or drawing and I feel a deep overwhelm and repulsion about all options, I think: “Oh, you want neither? Then I will give you nothing, just like you asked for.” Then after a while, brains will do anything to avoid boredom. It’s like “Enough! I will do what you say! I will do anything if it means escaping this!” and then you’re good to go.
It also removes any anxiety, restlessness and feelings of helplessness for me. It takes me out of this chain of doing things and realizing I’m here, I’m me, nothing bad is happening and it isn’t that deep or serious.
I also got better at breathing (weird thing to say). Now that I’m talking about breathing, of course I have to be hyperaware of it and now you are too, breathing manually. Oh well. Anyway, I am a shallow breather and I frequently stop breathing, and it’s really annoying and unhealthy. When I focus, I barely breathe or even hold my breath, the same during many parts of yoga. While falling asleep, I do the same and have to actively breathe more deeply and continuously. In stressful phases, I even wake up because I either suddenly violently gasp for air or my body forcefully pushes the air out like someone just jumped on my chest. I haven’t had that in a long time, but it happened. I probably have some mild sleep apnea, but I haven’t been tested yet. My nose is also too small and tight, I fear; it weirdly got better on Prednisone, so I have no idea what it could be.
Anyway, I’ve been more conscious of this and been making an effort to breathe better. It especially helps while falling asleep. If I don’t pay attention to breathing and relaxing muscles with each breath, I’m breathing in a really shallow way and my jaw, neck and shoulders are completely tense. It usually often takes me an hour or more to fall asleep, but with better breathing I feel drowsy and heavy very quickly. Ugh, I don’t want to need nasal strips or a CPAP… I’ll keep an eye on it.
I’m getting better mentally and physically and I feel a deep gratitude about who I am and where I am in life.
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Published 13 Jan, 2025