recent improvements
Behavioral things that improved significantly for me in recent years, some even just the last few months:
- Staying calm(er) when other people are upset.
- Not always feeling like I’m betraying myself if I hold back on expressing my dissatisfaction with something or someone.
- Being able to delay anger and channeling it into more helpful outlets more often.1
- Not always having to prove someone wrong or arguing, especially when it was already looking futile from the get-go.
- Letting people vent without correcting them, dumping my opinion or offering advice.
- Being a lot more okay with being misunderstood and not attempting to change someone’s view of me.
- More stamina in enduring the presence of someone I really dislike, in groups especially. I used to find it pretty unbearable and would withdraw myself from the space.
- Stopping myself from spiraling about some things, and stopping talking myself out of things I really want to do.
- Being fine with letting others embarrass themselves and not jumping in trying to save them from looking stupid.
- Not retracting what I meant out of fear or pressure or a need to be liked. Now I only retract if I genuinely regret it or changed my mind.
- Needing less and less validation for my opinions and feelings.2
- No need to point out the “obvious but embarrassing and unsaid” - to a point.3
- No longer feeling like an invisible switch is flipped in regard to my feelings for people.4
- Embracing the parts of me others might find insufferable.
- Also embracing opposite dynamics and parts inside of me that seem contradictory (not hypocritical though), instead of streamlining myself into an accepted box, stereotype or aesthetic.
I know these are pretty standard and easy things for others, but historically haven’t been for me. I attribute a lot of these changes to the stability, reassurance and safety my relationship has given me, and gaining a group of friends I have always dreamed of. Some things I simply aged out of, I think, just mellowing out the older I get.
Reply via email
Published 09 Aug, 2025
I never had anger issues or overt outbursts, but instead either tackling it then and there or bottling it up in unhealthy ways. I wasn’t able to go “Hey, this makes me mad, but right now is not the time to bring this up, but I will next week at a better time.” It was now or never. Now I can prioritize some solution that requires me to hold off for now, but will help me later, instead of prioritizing my feelings at that moment and losing out on a better way forward later down the line. Delayed gratification, but anger.↩
I mean sending weird stuff you see or conflicts you have to people for them to play judge and validate you, like “Was I in the wrong? Am I crazy? Isn’t this person stupid?” I barely ever do that now and I maybe mention it on the side, not needing to hear an opinion about it at all. I have almost completely stopped bonding over hating the same stuff.↩
I used to be misguided and believed that if someone was upset and crashing out, I could just explain logically to them why they’re biased or just feeling that way because of xyz and give them a read. Like we’d be intensely discussing and they’d get lowkey nasty and I’d pull out all the patterns and their life context like “you only think that way because the recent breakup made your attachment issues worse and the job hunt makes you feel unworthy” and shit like that, but way, way more intricate and analytical, using months of info in huge patterns that I had observed. And the thing is, I didn’t even do that to hurt anyone or call anyone out or win; I was somehow delusional and thinking that this would help people and they would be glad I pointed that out, like “Oh thanks, that was totally a blind spot, you’re right” or something. Obviously that never happened, and it just embarrassed them, made it seem like I wanted to use their private life to win an argument and dismiss their feelings. Nowadays, I understand that it’s wrong, not accomplishing what I wanna do and I try not to do it. You can push me to do it, however, if you get on my nerves too hard with how absurdly blind you are about what influences your position and rotten mood in the discussion.↩
I used to experience rather black-and-white feelings, and one silly mistake could turn me off from wanting to engage with someone; it happened against my will, out of my control, somehow. Now I can like someone without approving of everything. The feelings I have about people are a spectrum now, deeper and more nuanced.↩