we owe each other
Occasionally I see people bring up that they don’t owe anyone anything. I talked about it briefly in small thoughts as well.
People commonly say it now when they don’t wanna go out of their way to do the right thing or to do the kind thing. They take it from (often abused) people-pleasers who need to be told they don’t owe anyone anything because this is lifesaving advice for them, and apply it to themselves to not have to do the bare minimum of respect or courtesy. And they take it too far - the gist of it should be that you owe it to yourself to take care of yourself first and learn to say no when you need to; not attempt to use it as a loophole to justify disrespect. You owe people something. Not everything, but something.
I notice it on myself too. I can burn out on unreciprocated or mandated kindness and one bad interaction can set me back. But even if I often don’t like to acknowledge it, we are all worse off if we stop being kind in general due to disrespect of a few and perpetuate the cycle. So if you need to hear it, I’m sorry that that person didn’t return the favor, that they belittled you for the compliment you gave, that they made you feel bad for the thing you sacrificed for them that they won’t even see or acknowledge.
I am less inclined to be nice when I am stressed, in pain, struggling. The times when I say that I don’t need anyone are the times when I hurt the most. I’m sure I am not alone in that. It’s easy to think “I already have enough stuff on my plate, why also deal with others’ expectations and spend energy on something that probably won’t be returned?” Kindness is hard. Kindness is vulnerability. It’s taking the risk that we get rejected or taken advantage of. But we rely on it every day.
Imagine if everyone around you thought they don’t owe you anything - trash everywhere, no one messages you back, no one checks on you, you never exchange small gifts, you don’t cook each other soup when sick, you don’t congratulate each other on wins and milestones, no one cares about your funeral. Everyone cuts you off, almost runs you over, closes the elevator in front of you, slams doors in your face. It would be a miserable existence.
That’s why you have to look closely when people are presenting being unkind and unempathetic as a flex, as an advantage, something cool, superior, stronger.
A quote from Elle Ray summarizes it well: “Look at all the people who are proud of their unkind behavior, who are proud of their lack of empathy, or are proud that they’re so superior because they lack all these things that make people “weak”. They’re in crisis. […] That’s not revolutionary. That’s called giving up.“
They’re not better off, they are just struggling with any kind of reciprocal, two-way relationship.
That’s why some people say kindness is self love. You give best when you’re already taken care of. In some ways and situations, you have to love yourself enough to be kind to others in the first place.
Being kind isn’t weak and naive. It takes strength and courage to expose yourself like that. In comparison, it’s easy to just do nothing and it’s even easier to just retreat and isolate yourself from everyone. I know it because I chose this easy way out many times.
I’m also thinking of this post I saw recently that I sadly cannot find anymore1; it talked about how drawing and singing is something inherent humans just do, so why think other creations like website making are different? And I think it applies here too. Kindness is something that makes us human and is inherent in us. When you’re choosing not to give and receive kindness, you cut yourself off from the full human experience.
There is also a gendered aspect, of course. If you’ve been told all your life that you have to be more nurturing, more caring, more empathetic, helpful and kind, and it plays into how society oppresses you, it can feel freeing and revolutionary to just not be any of these things. But in the end, you cannot escape this oppression or be treated more equal by adopting the opposite behaviors or following the socialization of a group that has been raised on egoism and being unemotional. See it like this: You need to do away with kindness and celebrate this lack of kindness to be able to subjugate another being - and many of us are actively against that in a political context. It only makes sense to be aware of it and acting consistently in private contexts as well. Channel the kindness to deserving recipients, you yourself included.
related reading: finding kindness online
Published 14 Oct, 2024, edited 7Â months, 2Â weeks ago
If you think you know which post I mean please send me the link, I’m kinda mad I only remember it so vaguely but I know I could make more of it and link it if I had it in front of me.↩