does being alone make you immature?
Iāve been thinking about this today after reflecting on both of my parentsā behaviors.
Theyāre both unpartnered, unmarried, one has absolutely no friends. My mother didnāt have anyone she had to justify herself to for 17 years now, and for 7 years now, lived completely alone for the first time in her entire life.
She isnāt really alone-alone - her job is to meet customers, and she has lots of friends at this point. But she doesnāt have to work in a team, her work is solitary and defined by herself, her superficial friendships never challenge her. Thereās no one at home she has to compromise with, no one to consider, to having to work around. No one to complain when she does this or that. No one to impose limits or ask her to change something. No one to answer to.
She has always been a bit immature, but in this case, it hasnāt helped her. It made things worse. She talks and acts like a teen, she is judgmental, hyperironic. Sheās not usually confronted with having to consider anyone elseās perspective, so she doesnāt. Not having to parent me has helped in her not having to be someone to look up to, a good example, a mentor. Sheās not training anyone at work, either. She sees the world through very limited, naive eyes. Sheās hyper because she canāt stand the silence and consuming a lot of short-form Reels/TikTok content, which keeps people like her in their little silos and reinforces that behavior.
My father is similar in the way that he is also immature, but differently. He only has his parents, which believe he can do no wrong and is their good boy, so heās never been shown limits for decades. Heās always right, youāre always wrong. If you think differently, youāre a sheep. He doesnāt care about facts. If heās presented with them, he becomes anxious and angry, and because he never has to consider anyone elseās feelings and is always right, he has no interest in controlling them and hasnāt ever learned how to. Because his only points of contact are people who are biased in favor of him, he stays that way. He certainly drives everyone away who bothers once or twice, as he drove me away multiple times and has driven me away forever last November.
Being isolated - even voluntarily - has kept them both stagnant and ignorant. Itās weird, because if you believed the current sentiment online, withdrawing from everything to focus on your betterment, āprotecting your peaceā, being alone and answering to no one are presented as the ultimate freedom and perfect life. I do think that it can help, but there are simply kinds of people where it is just detrimental. To grow and change, my parents would need to be exposed to a variety of people, viewpoints and cultures, be forced to comply with uncomfortable things, have difficult conversations and endure some hard hitting questions and criticism sometimes while having to look out for othersā boundaries. They wonāt, though.
On the other hand, I also know people I think are so well-spoken, kind, mature, considerate, empathetic and educated because they are alone. They decided to exit the noise, even just for a little while, and focus on themselves. What do I want, where am I in life, do I have unreasonable expectations, what do I want out of connections to other people, what should I change? The times of self-reflection and engaging with oneās own actions bore fruits. All the reading of fiction or self-help or autobiographies really paid off in practicing to put yourself in someone elseās shoes. Sitting down to learn and find a good routine is helping them keeping stable and being in the position to help others. Theyāre discerning what they give their attention and energy to.
And likewise, I have seen people whose life is so full of other people, they barely have their own. Itās always about what others want, not what they want. Itās about keeping the peace, about being in alignment with all their loved ones, instead of forging their own path. Itās blindly trusting what your parent says about politics instead of looking it up. Itās uncritically repeating what your sibling said when someone asks your opinion on something. Only doing that sport because your spouse does it. These people donāt know why they do or believe anything - it was just bestowed upon them by outside circumstance, by others, and that also makes them stagnant and immature.
Thinking about this has made me more aware of needing to strike a balance. I want to be more independent and free than many others and need to have time to self-reflect and grow on my own, but I neither wanna be lost in self-obsessed navel-gazing nor be stuck in a feedback loop that keeps me stagnant and immature. I wanna be exposed to different perspectives and limits, even if itās difficult, but I also donāt want to be swept away by what everyone else in my life is thinking or doing.
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