what i changed or found out about myself in 2024
Copied from tiramisu.
Found out I have Crohn’s disease and I have Bechterew’s disease. Yes I know, low hanging fruit to include in this list, but I’m joking a little.
Discovered I like walking on the treadmill. Great time for video essays and podcasts and not as joint damaging for me as running on it. It also helps me think and process.
Learned my long hair belongs to my identity and how I see myself. Despite shaving my hair off, in my dreams I have long hair, or I look in the mirror in my dreams and my hair instantly grows down to over my shoulders from its current state. I see my short hair as this temporary thing that doesn’t represent me, which is why all pictures of me anywhere are still me with long hair, because to me, that’s the true me.
When I travel, the most important stuff I miss are a laptop, an electric kettle, my teas and my routines. My routeanes…
I reprioritized and settled on the fact that I need to move in the next couple years to be closer to people I care about and switch jobs and live somewhere that lets me walk or cycle to work.
I found out I want to specialize in data protection law. That’s also why I applied and got accepted into a certificate class for it that happens next year.
I learned I need to accept and work around my limits. Pre-diagnosis, it was easy to push it all away, or think if I just try harder or try this supplement or that routine, that I will finally be pain free, have energy, this and that… but no. I’m just chronically ill. Which means I am ill, for the rest of my life, and meds can treat the worst of it and slow stuff down, but not all damage can be reversed or prevented. I learned I will likely not live up to the ideal version I made in my head about who I will be once my health issues are settled, and that’s ok. Also see this blog post about unlived lives.
I wasn’t crazy, exaggerating, lazy - it was all real what I felt, and I am really good at predicting diagnoses and test results.
Seems like limiting access to me is important for me, and that limiting access to others, or rather their thoughts, can be important for me too.
I changed my tech goals. I’m not interested in so much screens and tech and cramming coding stuff. It’s now reduced, delayed, and in my own tempo. I have ideas and plans, but it’s not the right time.
Realized that sometimes, I need to relinquish control and accept help, and that doing so is now safe because it won’t be used against me and I can let go of the guilt.
Discovered it is indeed possible to remain kind or become more kind after hardship for me; I felt like in the past, it set me back and made me more jaded. I think hardship this year made me face the bigger picture and made me less attached to outcomes, to possessions, to achievements; I just wanted to be, wanted to do good, contribute and offset any negative marks my existence causes.
This year especially underlined that I need a lot of alone time to think, recover, plan ahead, and discover what I want, and I keep unapologetically saying no to things to make that happen. I need to be very independent at times, and I don’t like to explain or justify myself.
I got even better at avoiding bad discourse, comment sections, inflammatory articles, and similar things. It doesn’t draw me in anymore, I don’t click despite knowing I shouldn’t, I don’t need to block or hide it to avoid it either. I simply have no interest, or at least the willpower not to. I got better at cutting things off instead of forcing myself through it and letting myself be picky, with no fear of missing out.
I became more confident and comfortable with myself, and more grateful for what I have. I worked more at being at peace with my polyamory.
I leveled up in my ability to advocate for myself, ask for specifics, and push back on things. I wasn’t afraid to criticize, to call things out, to clarify and to reject. I was better at managing coworker moods and not taking it personally. I learned I get everything I ask for, I just have to ask.
Due to illness, I was once again reminded that life is short and investing into my education, comfort and home is key. I made changes to my apartment to make it nicer, I bought or wished for (and got) new important household things, I invested in more comfortable clothing and classes I care about. No work or education trumps my health, though.
I made more of an effort to let go of arguments and discussions, prioritized peace over being right, and walked away much more often before I would get truly heated.
I became more okay with missing out on food, or only having a bite, or small portions, and better at detecting my sweet spot of feeling sated and having the willpower not to go past it. It’s better for me to consistently eat here and there and keep it light, than starve and have a giant meal or binging.
Realized I still have a lot of grieving to do. While I was very sick, the grieving of my dead dog stalled, so now that I’m feeling better, it’s all catching up to me. And I also realized that even though I said I would never again, I now think I do want a dog again one day.
I found my will to cook again and make it fun, but still easy and doable even when I feel bad.
I realized I want to be more close to animals in person again. Don’t know how I will fit that into my schedule yet and where, but I want to help and take care of horses, dogs, donkeys, and more, preferably in a shelter or sanctuary.
I donated to causes more this year than ever before. To mention one of the causes, maybe you also want to check out Planet Wild.
I learned to value my ability to move and walk after I was mostly bed-bound for so much this year, and now cherish every trip, every walk, every time I get to sit on my desk, dress myself etc. a lot more; it’s a rare gift to me now that I treat carefully.
Published 31 Dec, 2024