brutal honesty
Something that I find annoying in the ‘brutally honest’ types isn’t just that they think honesty always has to be brutal or what your first thought is in an unfiltered way or else it’s a lie; I was like that in the past (without realizing at the time), but I learned to be better1.
No, it’s also that when their “victim” joins in and laughs it off or rolls over in a self-deprecating manner, supposedly agreeing with the brutal honesty - but truly out of worry, just to make it go away faster, ease the tension and avoid conflict - they praise the capability of the victim to take “harsh critique, unlike most others.”
This has nothing to do with being able to handle criticism. Brutal honesty is just a brutal opinion and brutality is the point; it isn’t constructive criticism, just bullying. If it was about handling criticism well, they’d be able to take it without laughing it off while hurt inside, or giving in just to make the conflict go away. Handling criticism well doesn’t mean they have to agree with it, either.
These types of intentionally brutally honest people usually see you reflecting the heat back as being immature and taking yourself too seriously, and if you disagree while still being respectful, they label you unable to take criticism because they didn’t sway you. This is different from friendly banter because you’re not at that stage of friendship yet and they get offended when you turn it around on them. It’s not about roasting a friend, it’s about control.
They don't truly want a discussion or deliver criticism; they wanna see if they can humble you and take you down a peg. Depending on what it is about, they want to get you to retcon being proud or happy with what you did, and they wanna see if they can make you laugh at yourself negatively and self-deprecate in front of them. They wanna see how committed you are to your opinion or craft and how self-confident you are. If successful, it feels powerful to them to sway your self-perception with their words within just a minute. If not that, they want you to fire back and get heated and embarrass yourself by getting on a similar level in front of others.
It often works because people easily second-guess themselves (especially when met with harsh words, because that makes it feel more true and urgent) and tend to be conflict-avoidant. We also often try to “save” the brutally honest person in a group conversation and attempt to smooth it out by playing along so that person can kinda move on and there will be no drama, awkwardness, and no one feeling sorry for anyone.
The reaction of “wow finally someone who can take my harsh critique!!” is also occasionally a defense mechanism for when their assholery gets met with genuine but firm kindness (as opposed to above, where the victim gives in involuntarily just to appease the bully). They were ready to bully you further or label you overdramatic and unable to take a joke if you defended yourself, but since you didn’t give them ammo and just thanked them and moved on, they now feel awkward and feel like they have to make up for their harshness. They wanna act like it was just a test you passed and do some half-assed compliment. “You’re not like the other xyz” is never a good compliment.
And coming back to the “most others” that apparently can’t take it: They’re really just people that cannot be pressured like that. The brutally honest hate that. When you don’t yield to them, they portray it like it’s because you’re secretly fuming and upset, and cool people who can take it don’t do that. You’re supposed to laugh and agree that you’re a loser or did a shitty thing and defuse the situation. You’re supposed to give them attention.
If you even question one thing, challenge one thing, disagree with one thing, or turn it back on them… they begin their spiel. Learn to take a joke. Wow, someone is offended. Damn, you really can’t take criticism. Do you think you’re that good? You’re just saying that because I hit a nerve. This wasn’t politically correct I guess. You’re all a bunch of snowflakes. Probably got participation trophies. At least I say it how it is. I’m just honest!
Please never think you have to be the cool person about it that laughs off verbal abuse and out-of-pocket insults - you’d only do that if you genuinely wanted to impress or be liked by the brutally honest person, and why would you? You lose nothing by not playing their game or be hated by such a dumbass.
I have to throw these people one bone: I am also sometimes frustrated how hard it is for people to take criticism. They’ll deflect, they’ll project onto you, they’ll try to find mistakes in what you do, they’ll say you should have said this more nicely when you couldn’t have (or doing it a couple times before yielded nothing), they’ll say it shouldn’t have been over text, then it shouldn’t have been in person, then it should have been in private/via email, then you surprised them too much… some people have an excuse for every criticism and always a way of not taking it or making it out to be you who’s some sort of weirdo and bad guy. Fair. Almost no one likes criticism naturally and it’s a learned skill to take it. It can be refreshing to find someone who’s normal about it and doesn’t act like you trampled their flower bed for disagreeing.
But brutally honest people are just people obsessed with looking like the cool unbiased person while thinking it's their job to piss in everyone's soup attempting to level the playing field to their low level. They always go for people who have done more than them: people who actually have some skin in the game and took some risks and put themselves out there instead of commenting on the safe sidelines. If you check to see, it's always the one doing less. The one doing the least in group projects, the one who has the least tasks at work, the one who acts like they didn't want what they got denied for anyway, the one who wants attention online but barely gets any, the one releasing the least projects, and so on. It's the one person that makes it almost too easy to fire back, but you'll only lose as they'll cry foul if you do because they can never take what they dish out.
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Published 19 Jul, 2025
Now you have to push me very far and then I will be intentionally harsh then, I guess. I'm still someone who can be a bit blunt and direct, but I am much more selective in whether to say anything at all and willing to sugarcoat more than I used to.↩