a love letter
I love that I am so passionate about a topic that makes me research and learn so much, that I go to conferences for, that I get newsletters and magazines about.
I especially love that I feel so intensely about it that nothing could stop me from it. Iāll find ways to engage with it anyway, somehow. Nothing can ruin this for me.
I donāt force myself to read or write about it, it pulls me in. Iām never too sick or too tired. Iām never satisfied about how much I know, I always want more.
This drive helps me so much in having the audacity needed to actually make it. I donāt see my aspired career paths as a possible dream that could be made true under the right circumstances; I just canāt view it that way, not even if I tried. Internally, it feels like an inevitability, a fact, that I will progress and go far in this field. Ironically, that reassurance makes doing the work for it easier.
I canāt know whether that prediction will become true, but even just feeling that way makes me act differently, which is increasing my surface area for opportunities and cool coincidences to happen. Instead of waiting for a sign, for permission or for things to fall into my lap, I get going. Itās the typical effect of āJust act like you belong hereā, I think.
I donāt hesitate or think twice before I message people in the field that I could learn from. I sign up for volunteering or apply to jobs without worrying if Iām good enough. I am not ashamed or afraid of being annoying when I contribute more, ask questions or share news that could be interesting in that space. I donāt feel impostor syndrome when I write about the topic. In my mind, I absolutely deserve to be here and be heard and considered.
It just clicks, it makes sense, there is no other outcome in my mind; because either I contribute well, or I learn. Thereās no other option. Something in me feels like it is all being taken care of somehow, that things will happen the way they should, and I can fully focus on the work and letting my passion carry me.
I also have delusional goals on purpose: Be asked to speak at a panel, and get my own Wikipedia page one day (only once I deserve to be there for something great!). These keep me aiming higher and higher, ans have more standards for myself.
I wasnāt always that way, and Iām not like this in every area of my life either. Iāve actually been insecure for most of my life, with a crippling fear of failure and preferring not to even try, and dropping everything I wasnāt immediately good at. Iād prefer not to ask than receive a no. I thought I was very annoying to others, and that everyone was so much further ahead in anything. But times change, and if youāre lucky, the right interest/hobby builds up your confidence and ability to showcase your skills with ease.
With this, I feel things are just perfectly falling into place, and Iām ready and grateful for whatever happens. Everything feels like a reward, like one step closer to something. I finally, for the first time in my life, feel like I truly and thoroughly enjoy the way there, the process itself, instead of just craving the finish line.
To me there is no one to compete with in a negative way, no one to measure against and feel insecure - I just see amazing people to learn from and future mentors. I see people Iād love to work with and for. I see them as proof I can do it too.
I look at some things and go: This is great, but I think I can do better; and then I try exactly that, and use it as an opportunity to grow and to prove myself. Mostly to myself, but an audience is also nice.
And it makes sense, doesnāt it? If you donāt believe in yourself, it can be very hard for others to do so and it impacts your ability to put your best foot forward.
Nothing of this felt like a deliberate choice or a process I put myself through to ābecome betterā. It just happened to me, and now Iām gladly riding the wave this special interest has given me. And Iām so proud of myself.
Thank you to everyone sending encouraging emails, will respond soon!
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